Mitterminator

Seeking to dispel accusations of pathological flip-flopping, “Mitt” Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights.

Now that he’s the presumptive Republican nominee, I guess “Mitt” will also have to exterminate earlier iterations of himself such as the one that wanted to force women with babies out of the house and re-enter the labour pool so they could experience the “dignity of work” and the one that vowed to support so-called “personhood” legislation that would effectively make the pill illegal.

Game Over for Santorum

At Gettysburg, PA (of all places!) Rick Santorum announced today that he’s throwing in the towel on his bid to become the Theocrat in Chief of the United States.

No surprise really, considering that in all probability he would otherwise have lost the primary later this month in his home state. Not only would that have been a crushing blow, but also a bitter personal reminder of the defeat that saw him ousted from the Senate in 2006. Better to end his improbable yet relatively successful campaign on a positive note rather than waging an ugly and futile campaign against Mitt Romney’s vastly better-financed attack machine.

Viewing his emotionally touching concession speech it’s not hard to see why so many people were attracted to Santorum – he comes across as warm, genuinely compassionate and, as pols say, “relatable”… What a tragic shame for Republicans that Willard Romney has absolutely none of those qualities to his credit.

“This Will Always Be So” (Or Not)

Some readers may recall a post from a little while back featuring Richard Dawkins appearing on MSNBC’s weekend “Up” program where he floated the provocative idea of taking politicians to task for some of their kooky religious beliefs… Well, guess what? It seems that someone did precisely that the other day at one of Mitt Romney’s “town hall” events…

Asked if it’s a sin for a white man to marry and procreate with a black woman, needless to say, being the gutless douchebag he is, Romney reacted to the question as if he’d just been tossed a red hot BBQ charcoal. “No” was his emphatic response before quickly turning to the other side of the crowd for a more scripted inquiry.

But wait, how can that be? Evidently, the God-inspired, yet indisputably racist proclamations of the Mormon religion’s “second prophet” (you know, following the grifter with the magic top hat) are currently null and void. That whole thing Brigham Young declared about “the penalty, under the law of God” as regards to whites conjugating with blacks being “death on the spot”… Well, not so much now, I guess.

I think we may well have a better insight into why Mitt Romney is, as one of his former rivals memorably said, such a “well-lubricated weathervane.” Seems Dawkins may have been onto something here after all when it comes to better understanding a political candidate’s mindset via their religious beliefs.

Mitt-tastic Tales of the Ordinary!

True Fact: After a hectic day of impersonating a human being on the campaign trail, zillionaire and would-be Republican front-runner Willard “Mitt” Romney likes nothing more than to chow down on a sugary bowl of cold breakfast cereal every night before hitting the sack. Why, that makes him just like… well, not many people, actually. But hey, nice try!

What other fascinating details of Mitt’s lifestyle as an ordinary humanoid visiting from planet Kolob will be revealed by his campaign team in the weeks and months to come? Stay tuned!

Latest Ron Paul Attack Ad

Here’s the latest negative attack ad from the Ron Paul campaign slagging Rick Santorum for not being a “fiscal conservative”… (Seems to have been done by the same agency that created the snappy, tough-talking Ford F-150 truck ads.)

I suppose one could quibble about specifics of the dubious allegations made if there was a point to such an endevour, but perhaps a more intriguing question for Ron Paul supporters is why his campaign NEVER attacks Mitt Romney… Rather curious, that.

Maybe, as some have speculated, Ron Paul’s entire campaign is nothing but an enormously expensive venture to become the “last” Chairman of the Federal Reserve under a Romney administration. Seems like a highly improbable outcome of his inevitably doomed bid to be the Republican Party nominee, but hey… it’s no less detached from reality than the rest of his batshit crazy domestic policy proposals, so who knows?

The Right Height of Trees

Vocalizing to a small group of carbon-based supporters in Michigan earlier this week, “Mitt Romney” – the android launched many years ago by a venture capital fund to become the first completely non-human Republican nominee for President – pretended to express his/its deep affinities with and positive responses to various aspects of the state where he/it was, so to speak, “born and raised”…

Amongst the utterly predictable elements of Mittbot’s pandering subroutine about his/its enduring “love” of American cars, lakes (both great and little ones), etc., a notable standout was the mysterious observation that, “It seems right here. The trees are the right height.”

Some political pundits found the remark to be oddly disturbing, but jokingly sloughed it off as yet another unfortunate “Conehead” moment where the logical analytics of Mittbot’s programming simply failed to connect with actual human experience.

That’s certainly one way of looking at it, but I really think the press should insist on a more detailed explanation of Mittbot’s curious expression, or at the very least attempt to gain a better understanding of what he/it regards as the qualitative indicators for optimal forestry.

Santorumentum!

Def: The frothy mix of media hype and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of non-binding Republican primary victories.

How sad is it that a moronic theocrat like Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum is viewed by a majority of Republican primary voters in the heartland of America as a preferable alternative to the “perfectly lubricated weather vane” that is Willard “Mitt” Romney?

And again… where were all the Ron Paul supporters? I thought they were supposed to prevail in these caucus states, what with their rabid grassroots enthusiasm and all. Maybe they were too busy getting stoned and spinning wild anti-Zionist/NWO conspiracy theories on internet forums to actually get out and… you know, vote.

Blood Money

The SuperPAC supporting (but definitely not co-ordinating with!) Newt Gringrich yesterday released another negative “documentary” attacking Mitt Romney.

Called “Blood Money” the film links the former head of Bain Capital to Damon Clinical Laboratories, a medical testing company the equity firm controlled during the early 90s that was subsequently found guilty of having massively defrauded the Medicare system by billing for millions of unnecessary blood tests.

Whether this new line of attack will have sufficient time to influence next week’s Florida primary election remains to be seen.

Mitt’s SOTU Rebuttal

Inveterate flip-flopper and political windsock Mitt Romney criticizes Obama for his “extraordinary… detachment from reality” in terms of his words and actions; all the while being completely oblivious to his own extraordinary detachment – from irony!

Romney is now claiming to be “someone who says what he means and means what he says”… this coming from an empty suit whose positions on any given issue are more changeable than the weather.

Aside from that, Romney really has to stop LYING about the economy.

No Heat, No Light

Contrary to expectations and all the advance hype, it was quite a flat, disappointingly ineffective, and weirdly obtuse Republican “debate” hosted by NBC in Florida tonight.

That was probably the most heated exchange of the evening – a pointless quibble over what constitutes “lobbying” on behalf of government sponsored entities… Zzzzz. There was almost no discussion about jobs, the economy, or the fate of entitlement programs like Social Security.