Mitterminator

Seeking to dispel accusations of pathological flip-flopping, “Mitt” Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights.

Now that he’s the presumptive Republican nominee, I guess “Mitt” will also have to exterminate earlier iterations of himself such as the one that wanted to force women with babies out of the house and re-enter the labour pool so they could experience the “dignity of work” and the one that vowed to support so-called “personhood” legislation that would effectively make the pill illegal.

Game Over for Santorum

At Gettysburg, PA (of all places!) Rick Santorum announced today that he’s throwing in the towel on his bid to become the Theocrat in Chief of the United States.

No surprise really, considering that in all probability he would otherwise have lost the primary later this month in his home state. Not only would that have been a crushing blow, but also a bitter personal reminder of the defeat that saw him ousted from the Senate in 2006. Better to end his improbable yet relatively successful campaign on a positive note rather than waging an ugly and futile campaign against Mitt Romney’s vastly better-financed attack machine.

Viewing his emotionally touching concession speech it’s not hard to see why so many people were attracted to Santorum – he comes across as warm, genuinely compassionate and, as pols say, “relatable”… What a tragic shame for Republicans that Willard Romney has absolutely none of those qualities to his credit.

“Pretend it’s Obama”

During a campaign stop in Monroe, Louisiana, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum stopped at a shooting range for some target practice. Before aiming for his second target, a woman in the background can be heard to say, “Pretend it’s Obama,” then chuckle at her own amazing wit.

Note: The comment is made at 0:37 of the video.

Newt-a-Mania!

I guess winning the Georgia primary in tonight’s discount version of “Super Tuesday” may help Newt stay puft for a while longer in the race to be the standard bearer of ignorant, batshit-crazy white people across America, but what is up with the poor lad forced to hold a sign reading “Newt-a-Mania”?

Should be interesting to see how this putative appeal to deranged right-wing maniacs, that presumably are desperate for an egotistical windbag with the moral compass of a raccoon to be their leader, unfolds in the coming weeks.

Latest Ron Paul Attack Ad

Here’s the latest negative attack ad from the Ron Paul campaign slagging Rick Santorum for not being a “fiscal conservative”… (Seems to have been done by the same agency that created the snappy, tough-talking Ford F-150 truck ads.)

I suppose one could quibble about specifics of the dubious allegations made if there was a point to such an endevour, but perhaps a more intriguing question for Ron Paul supporters is why his campaign NEVER attacks Mitt Romney… Rather curious, that.

Maybe, as some have speculated, Ron Paul’s entire campaign is nothing but an enormously expensive venture to become the “last” Chairman of the Federal Reserve under a Romney administration. Seems like a highly improbable outcome of his inevitably doomed bid to be the Republican Party nominee, but hey… it’s no less detached from reality than the rest of his batshit crazy domestic policy proposals, so who knows?

The Right Height of Trees

Vocalizing to a small group of carbon-based supporters in Michigan earlier this week, “Mitt Romney” – the android launched many years ago by a venture capital fund to become the first completely non-human Republican nominee for President – pretended to express his/its deep affinities with and positive responses to various aspects of the state where he/it was, so to speak, “born and raised”…

Amongst the utterly predictable elements of Mittbot’s pandering subroutine about his/its enduring “love” of American cars, lakes (both great and little ones), etc., a notable standout was the mysterious observation that, “It seems right here. The trees are the right height.”

Some political pundits found the remark to be oddly disturbing, but jokingly sloughed it off as yet another unfortunate “Conehead” moment where the logical analytics of Mittbot’s programming simply failed to connect with actual human experience.

That’s certainly one way of looking at it, but I really think the press should insist on a more detailed explanation of Mittbot’s curious expression, or at the very least attempt to gain a better understanding of what he/it regards as the qualitative indicators for optimal forestry.

Santorumentum!

Def: The frothy mix of media hype and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of non-binding Republican primary victories.

How sad is it that a moronic theocrat like Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum is viewed by a majority of Republican primary voters in the heartland of America as a preferable alternative to the “perfectly lubricated weather vane” that is Willard “Mitt” Romney?

And again… where were all the Ron Paul supporters? I thought they were supposed to prevail in these caucus states, what with their rabid grassroots enthusiasm and all. Maybe they were too busy getting stoned and spinning wild anti-Zionist/NWO conspiracy theories on internet forums to actually get out and… you know, vote.

Resolute Newt

Rather than staging a pointless concession “rally” after his distant second-place finish in yesterday’s Nevada caucuses, bucking convention, Newt Gringrich opted instead to hold a bizarre 20-minute press conference at his campaign headquarters.

Repulsive though he may be in almost every respect, it’s a good thing that Gringrich has vowed to remain in the race to the inevitably bitter end. Newt’s remorseless, scorched earth campaign of insurgency against the Republican “establishment” promises to be highly entertaining.

One interesting note from the Nevada caucuses was the fact that despite not having barnstormed the state, Gringrich nevertheless handily beat out Ron Paul, who many had confidently predicted would finish a strong second. So what happened to the waves of youthful libertarians supporting him… were they so busy spamming internet forums with their insane conspiracy theories and furiously raging against the biased “mainstream media” that they simply forgot to show up and vote?

Blood Money

The SuperPAC supporting (but definitely not co-ordinating with!) Newt Gringrich yesterday released another negative “documentary” attacking Mitt Romney.

Called “Blood Money” the film links the former head of Bain Capital to Damon Clinical Laboratories, a medical testing company the equity firm controlled during the early 90s that was subsequently found guilty of having massively defrauded the Medicare system by billing for millions of unnecessary blood tests.

Whether this new line of attack will have sufficient time to influence next week’s Florida primary election remains to be seen.

Damn the Paulbots!

As much as I agree with many of Ron Paul’s principled stances on various issues, I just cannot stand the cult of over-zealous fanatics that support him…

Despite all evidence, these folks simply refuse to accept the fact that Dr. Paul will NOT be the Republican nominee for president. To the contrary, they act as if by chanting their mantras loud and long enough, or spamming every damn blog and YouTube video on the Internet with asinine comments… somehow, it will alter reality.

Of course, it won’t do any such thing. At the end of the day, Ron Paul will attract less than 10% of the vote in most contested primaries and while he may have the resources to collect an appreciable number of delegates along the way to the convention… so what? It’s not as if he will have the ability to impact the Republicans’ platform in any significant way – the base of the party has sounded rejected both his isolationist foreign policy proposals and his libertarian approach to controversial domestic issues such as the legalization of drugs. Even most government-hating Republicans realize that his vow to immediately cut federal spending by $1 trillion is an absurd notion that would result in total chaos and economic calamity.