Santorum Comes From Behind!

Not a terribly big surprise that homophobic religious wingnut and trigger-happy war-mongerer Rick Santorum would emerge triumphant from last night’s lunatic fracas in Iowa. Beating out competing Christian zealots in the race to not be Mitt Romney with the power of endless shoe leather and attractive sweater vests, the man who dare not be Googled finally succeeded in winning the hearts and “minds” of the mostly white, evangelical Republican voters of Iowa.

Despite endless waffling about whether or not to actually engage in the race, widely detested Willard “Mitt” Romney placed second – a position he’s sadly not unfamiliar with in his lengthy political career as a non-politician.

Much as expected, when push came to shove, actual support for libertarian crank Ron Paul was far less than anticipated or hoped for by his fanatical, frequently batshit crazy boosters, resulting in a disappointing third-place finish in the over-hyped and largely meaningless Iowa caucuses.

As for the other losers in the Republican clown car…Newt Gingrich formally jettisoned the ridiculous pretence of running a “positive” campaign, ominously threatening to gun up his rhetorical chainsaw in New Hampshire; Rick Perry demurely stated he’s going to retreat to Texas to reconsider his options; and pathetic last place finisher Michele Bachmann vowed to stay in the race for some completely inexplicable reason.

Note: Santorum may not actually have won the Iowa caucus. At the time of writing, it could be that a somewhat lesser evil may have ultimately prevailed by the narrowest imaginable sliver of the 0.015 percent of Americans voting last night.

Canadian Conservatives Defined

Professionally angry midget Kathy Shaidle attempts to explain who’s who in the hinterland of Canadian “conservatism” to Sun News host Brian Lilley:

Heh. By my estimation, Shaidle just slagged off about 90% of the “Bloggin’ Tories” in one form or another as not being REAL conservatives; at least that is, according to her quirky and peculiarly incoherent definition of the species.

So, suck on that all you “tedious” tax-averse conservative men that are overly tolerant of diversity; you “culturally retarded” SoCons that don’t own TVs; and wacky libertarians that are effectively enabling the hordes of drug-addled “parasites” corroding society…

As for the notion that conservatives are frequently typecast as being “angry and stupid” (a pitiable trope of conservative victimization deftly served up by Lilley with wide-eyed puzzlement), oblivious to self-incriminating irony, Shaidle suggests that it’s nothing more than a “mainstream media pop-culture meme.”

God’s 2012 Predictions

Relax. You can now safely ignore all of the kooky predictions and hapless guesswork of zany media pundits about how events will play out in 2012 because The Lord God Almighty has just spoken personally to Pat Robertson and revealed His cunning plans for the New Year…

Apparently, a “maximum amount of stress and peril” will be involved. Oh goody.

When quizzed by Pat in the form of 20 questions about the specific nature of His impending tribulation, “God” confirmed that it wouldn’t be a crippling electromagnetic pulse, nor would it be a blast of cosmic or solar radiation, nor would be the product of a Mayan “galaxy alignment” or nuclear strikes by rogue Axis regimes, not an earthquake or volcano… also not a massive power failure. In fact, the winner is… “an economic collapse.”

Sheesh. Bit of a letdown after all those hypothetical Darth Vader schemes, wouldn’t you say?